You know I very well could of "went out" tonight..But I'm like all WHY bother!
I see no point. I just rather stay in my house and watch some dumb show on TV or Go to bed and enjoy a good nights sleep of peace and quiet and be by myself! I rather do that. And Drink? Not really interested. I don't really want to do anything much right now. My mind is preoccupied about how Life is so fragile and how people are dying all around us and that everyday We are all That much closer to Death! Kind of Sad really!
and I'm so tired of Dreaming of People laughing at me and trying to smother me to death! WHY am I Having these Visions!? I don't get it. All I know is it will totally be by God's Grace that I will be alive to see 2006. I just don't see myself living that long and I don't know why all I know is, I don't know and that is scary stuff..The not knowing!
I had a vision the other day that I intentionally fell down the stairs at work to try to "end it all" it was kind of scary....My heart started racing and I broke out in a cold sweat at the thought.
There has been times in my past where I have blacked out and found myself doing stupid stuff. The last was about 2 years ago or so when I took a cup of clorox and was drinking it when I realized what the hell am I doing!
The other ones was when I was a teen and on acutane to clear up my severe acne and I blacked out with a knife to my wrist and oh that happened a few times when I was with my ex as well. WHY does this happen to ME? I guess I'm just pyscotic. Maybe I really need to start taking my medications like I'm suppose to its that sometimes I forget and I have so many to take and I'm not the most organized person in the world, in fact, I'm such a clutter bug that I'd be lucky to locate all of my medications b/c I have one up on this shelf, one over here one over there *LOL* its kind of crazy. But that's how my brain is..Scattered and cluttered with bad memories of a past that I can't live down or forget.

It helps to talk to my Friend from 9th grade, Kim. She is a real inspiration to me more so now than ever because I found out she suffers from bipolar disorder as well and she was also sexual molested growing up. More so than me b/c hers went on for years and years and involved her sisters. Its crazy what we kids went through and no one should ever have to suffer. I think I would kill someone if I ever found out they laid one tiny finger on my children sexually or abusively. I would kill them or die trying! That's what I would do, I don't care who they were/are to me! You better believe I cherish my children's lives more than I do mine, and I don't want them to go through what I did a few times and what my friends had to go through that is just unreal. No Child should be "broken" in that way. And I love my children with so much of my heart it tears me up to even think like that.
To see pictures of dead children lying in their parents arms after the Natural Disaster over in Thailand and the like, um it just really hurts and my heart goes out to them over their. I don't know how much more tragedy my ears can hear about or my eyes can see but it is affecting me I can tell.